so there i am in vegas gettin the bean counters finding me when i had deleted all the figures i thought, but those guys now have a lazer retriever on the business machines and routinely scour the discs to see what i have deleted. so now i use my compaq armada for all stuff they don't need to know. but i did answer the letter from the publisher. ya gotta keep the publisher happy. really do. they hold the hammer of the forge.
so here is my reply to the home office.
Dear Sir,
I understand your concerns concerning my upcoming first assignment out of town. Of course, I want to allay those fears as I included in the prospectus that Ms. Money will be traveling with me. I thought an officer in the corporation and from the financial division would keep me informed on a moment to moment basis on the necessary expenditures in keeping with the dignity of the position I have been entrusted with. An item by item list will be provided via fax on a daily basis provided by Ms. Money. She gets up early and
after her run and brunch will phone at 10: 00 am each day. These updates should be self explaining. The mini-bar fees should be comparable to those in Omaha say, or Souix City. The rumors of Vegas being more expensive is erroneous. The new family approach in Vegas precludes gouging anymore, not like in the old days when I stayed in the Sands.
Now we should discuss some of the points in your letter. As to the dress code. I find that in the “field” I should comport myself as a cool local. I find I recieve more information if dressed comfortably with a loose fitting hawaiin shirt cool and cool in the hot vegas afternoons around the pool. As only the mafia dresses in Vegas as you have requested I find that dangerous and unproductive in my reportage techniques. Ms. Money also will be charging some Nieman-Marcus Vegas mall attire when we arrive. As she was forced, er, in a hurry before departure, she did not have time to pick up some underthings and nite wear. As I told her then, grab yer suit we goin to vegas. I shot a guy in dockers
once, but have never worn a pair. they look quite comfortable.
As to the allegations of my mini-dress episode, it so happens i was on assignment from larry flynt yes the larry flynt and i had to escape a pool party when the local cops busted down the door and i inadvertantly in the melee, slipped on something to dive out
the window in and of course it was rather dark except for the candles and such and so i ended up mistakenly, accidently in ms. money’s little black number. and her satin pumps. at least they matched the outfit.
As to the financil flags popping up i wouldn’t worry unduly. I am sure that Johnson in accounting has it in for me. Ever since the party when Ms. Money rejected his advances and was found later on her knees fixing my zipper that he has used his position to undermine my fiduciary records. I would keep an eye on him as I find most of the chits i send in are reasonable and then he will add a few zeros and pocket the difference. He did it that time i went to Barbados and i agree my bar bill was a tall drink of water but he padded it with massages etc. that i did not recieve. To save money Ms. Money has agreed to serve as massuese for the trip and as this service will be done in house this will save at
least 80 dollars american per session. Ever since my last visit to utah when i threw my shoulder into a 3 year spasm from casting too much on the Seviour Resevoir i have needed several sessions per day especially after punchin the keyboard sessions. this is a professional need as described in the contract page 73b. paragraph 7 line 4 where it states quite clearly in three languages and i quote: “Mr. Bay shall and until further notice shall and will recieve “professional need” expenses commensurate and equal to or exceed not withstanding more than those professional peers in the profession of ddrift reportage.”
And again on page 174 para. 11 lines 3, 8, 11 dealing with “professional needs shall be catagorized as; transportation, clothing allotment (see page 118 LL Bean section) gear either digital or duffel shall be secured with the newly issued Cabela’s corporate account number 128393”, opened yesterday by Ms. Money, and as stipulated in the hiring negotiations i must travel 1st class. it is my allergies with cheap fleece. and the tourist class is full ot cheap fleece. sorry but the watery eyes and itching interfere with my reporting style. this is documented in my medical profile assembled by the good sisters of
our clinic of fallen nuns, in cedar falls. see appendix c “allergies and insomnia affect sexual disfunction.”
further pro needs are;
1. french sun block 2 cases delivered to room 1433 the Pellagio Hotel each morning at 9. Ms. Money has sensitive skin exposed by the new thong outfit.
2. secure line installed before arrival with cover aol link up required to fool the cia or fbi or any other 3 letter org. looking for me from past assignments. sure your past follows you, just got to tread lightly and leave no mocassin tracks.
3. ping pong table set up with tournament paddles and balls specified in contract in the epilogue pages. gets me loose to write and since i don’t go out of the room much i need the exercise it provides. at the present time Ms. Money is ahead 3 games to 1 in our round robin tournament. you haven’t lived unless you have played topless pong with Ms. Money and lost. of course i have this shoulder thing goin on.
4. fillets flown in from omaha each week. send at least an even dozen, i like to
entertain and nothing says lovin like steaks in the oven. this may seem extravagent but i need the protein. after a strenuous workout on the pong i like a fresh salad, light wine, pringles and a good fillet.
5. as to the viper expense. it corners great. it has the acceleration i may need to escape from say maybe the pig boys, or local mafia thinkin i am tryin to dress like them or maybe some of the ex-husbands of Ms. Money which seem to pop up in each city we visit at the most embarrassing times.
6. as for weapons, i find the corporation provided tools are inadequate for my needs and i will provide my own. you should update the weapons used by field agents. safety first. you who live in gated communities don’t realize the streets i work or the tools i need. and come reimbursement time remember i am packin and you got a company issued trigger lock that jams. you do the math.
7. as the “working women of vegas” is in progress i expect a special rate at the
mustang ranch and by the way jennifer says hi and she stopped using the creme and the itching started again and she thought it best you get checked again.
8. evian water. the big bottles. cases and cases. send em with the fillets. i don’t bathe in hotel water. sorry just a personal thing.
Now i realize i have more needs than listed but Ms. Money { known as honey} shall itemize compartmentalize conceptualize and verbalize as only she can in conferance calls on tues. at 2. answer on 3rd ring, hang up. and wait for 2nd call answer on 5th ring.
Please have no contact with me until the end of the next moon phase. don’t ask.
Sincerely, or as close to sincerity as i can get,
kenneth d. bay managing editor at large deadddrift.com
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